lyrics for my X

Don't you want be strong with me You told me we could have a family Want to run to me when you're down and low But times get tough and there you go Out the door, you wanna run again Open your arms and you'll come back in Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid Never knew what a friendship was Never knew how to really love You can't be what I need you to And I don't know why i fuck with you I know our love will never be the same But I can't stand the growing pains

Never knew that love could hurt like this Never thought I would but I got dissed Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside Feel embarrassed so I want to hide Silly me I thought your love was true Change my name to Silly E. Badu Before I heal, it's gonna be a while I know it's gonna be a while, chile

First time I realized that I was gay, I had to be about the age of 12 or 13 years old. When I think about it now, its no surprise that my mother knew before I did. As a child, I always played with boys toys but yes! I did play with some Barbie dolls. However, my favorite toy was my race cars. My parents bought me girly toys, but having three god brothers. It was hard not playing with toys that caught my eye. I don't know, but I just loved playing with a boy toys.

Its funny to me, how I felt gay all my life but didn't come out until October 14, 2010. Yes!! I waited until I felt comfortable enough to tell the world I was gay. Yet, telling my mother was the very difficult part. Then again, it was funny to me how my mother was waiting for me to tell her that I was gay. My mother told me that she knew, I was gay from my tomboyish clothes to NOT wearing a dress or asking her questions about guys.Sometimes, I did wear what my mother wanted me too, only because, I didn’t want hear her mouth. I think I got confused a lot because I was always trying to please people instead of pleasing myself.

I haven't been through drama with telling people that I am gay. I think the only issue that I have had, was telling someone who I thought was my real friend that I was gay. Only to haven't talked to her for three years now. I realize only true friends will walk in when the world walks out.

I don't know how to end this but this is the start of me coming out to the world

Old to New Material

I didn’t realize that I had blogger.com until one day, I was searching for a new blog website to create. These three entries are my old writing material dated back to 2008. Probably a lot of grammar errors and a lot of misunderstood sentence...lol but I am working on it and I am getting better on the grammar and sentence fragments...lol I will have new blogs posted in due time or some time by the end of the week. Enjoy, what I have so far!!!!

Tired in Twenty-One Ways

I’m tired of waking up in the same f*cking scenery, everyday
I’m tired of not seeing myself the way God sees me
I’m tired of going to work and dealing with idiots
I’m tried of being nice to people
I’m tired of people walking all over me
I’m tired of being sh*tted on
I’m tired of being invisible
I’m tired of being overlooked
I’m tired of being dependent
I’m tired of not being heard
I’m tired of being unhappy
I’m tired of hating my life
I’m tired of being me, sometimes
I’m tired of trying and getting nowhere
I’m tired of feeling a thousand of tears on my face
I’m tired of b*tch-ass people
I’m tired of having hate in my heart
I’m tired of living in an injustices world
I’m tired of being judged base on the color of my skin
I’m tired of my own kind looking down at me
I’m tired of just being disappointed

My new Image

What happened to your hair? What do you mean what happen to my hair? Making this decision I thought about it for along time. I could lose a lot, for example, I could lose my friends, my family members who doesn't accept it, I could lose a good paying job, I could be treated different from people that see me every day, or I could even be mistreated from people that I don't even know.

No, I'm not gay…I am talking about what black women think and believe that defines them…their hair. India Arie couldn't have explained it better then I can say it…."I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations, no I am a soul that lives within". On March 7, 2008, I went, and I got my hair locked up because it was time to change my life to become the women that I feel within. So, please don't come up to me asking me why I would want "those dirty" things in my hair. To my understanding, they are not dirty its who and how you maintain them to make them look pretty.

I've had only one person who has congratulated me because she to is a black women, and she understands how it feels to be misunderstood of wearing dreadlocks. People don't agree of it because its not the image they see you as. And I thank her for giving me self-reliant to never given in to what people say.

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person? Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity? I am expressing my creativity... If I want shave it off, wear a monk ( soup bowl due), mohawk, dye it red, blue, blond let me because that's my business and not yours. It's just hair and it will grow back. It doesn't take away from the soul that lives within.

I don't see what's wrong with expressing who you are within

Happy Father's Day

Can't believe its been seven years since the last time I've seen your face. I think about you more each day, but I can't dwell on the past because your not here with me. I can just cherish the precious memories that we shared together to get me through the day. Like Mariah says, And it's true that you've reached a better place/ still I'd give the world to see your face/And be right here next to you/But it's like you're gone too soon/Now the hardest thing to do is say bye-bye.

-Last night, I saw you in my dreams. Now, I can't wait to go to sleep.

Happy Father's Day!!

Love J.C.